About-Face

God damn me. seriously, i deserve it. i wouldn’t be the least disappointed if i were to be struck down by a not-so-straying bolt of judgement tomorrow, or in the next couple hours for that matter. i wonder why God even puts up with wretches like me. then again, if i were to die tomorrow – or very soon in general – i guess i would be a bit disappointed for loss of opportunities to earn my Heaven Rewards Miles. also, death would be far too simple and easy a solution for me.
time to get back to the basics. i’m Scripture-bound.

“for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity.”
- Proverbs 24:16

” There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.”
- Ecclesiastes 7:20

though His mercy is totally miscalculated, God help me.

Let it be You.

The dirt in this place has filled my eyes,
And I can’t see, no I can’t see a thing.
Perhaps this next step will take me home,
Or for all I know, lead me to certain death.

Pretty Sunday, wooden pews.
Word of God, healing for my soul.
Friday night, rusty park bench.
Laughter and addictions for my pain.

Cause I don’t know who’s winning this tug of war,
But it better be You, it better be You.
For heaven’s sake, my heart’s about to rip in two,
So it better be You, it better be You.

Sometimes I don’t know why You would fight,
Take battle scars, and waste Your angels on me.
‘Cause when you ask me if I love You
In all I do, at best I say, “I don’t know.”

Tonight I pray, tonight I cry
For kindred souls, souls that have starved like mine.
And so I sing, and so I shout,
So we might give and sing our hearts out to You!

‘Cause I don’t know who’s winning this tug of war,
So let it be You, let it be You.
For heaven’s sake, my heart’s about to rip in two,
So let it be You, let it be You.

- Koo Chung, Better Be You

EDIT: speaking of music, i’ve been listening to my older records lately (i.e. some Treble Charger, Pilate, and my Chrono Cross OST); w00t for nostalgia! “Caught By The Window” always reminds me of winter for some reason… odd. also on the topic of music, i recently (i.e. last night) went to look up “The Postal Service” on Google for their site and maybe some info when i discovered that they’ve got two songs that i loved – “loved” because i deleted them when i got rid of my illegit music – that were on the Sub Pop Records site. w00tage. then i found a remixed version of one of those songs. more w00tage.

info @ the P.Pole 09.25.05

our team’s got an exibition game against the seniors tomorrow so i dunno if i’ll have time to write my I@P then. so, this week’s is earlier.

5 priorities that i think should be at the top of every man’s list (from most to least pressing, IMO):

1. God – listening to Him speak, applying it; this includes serving Him (and so, serving the world); obeying God’s command, bar none; basically seeking Him in general.
2. Spouse – honouring what God has/will/may give[n] to him; being there for her; respecting, caring for, protecting, and loving her; in essence, being a living example of “WWJD” towards the second love of his life, the first being God.
3. Friendship – again, like the spouse, but on a different level.
4. Being noble – honouring his promises and oaths to God, then to men; fulfilling his duties as the head of a house, raising up a God-fearing family; providing; etc…
5. Learning and sharing knowledge – a man’s educational life should span his lifetime; he should seek knowledge and wisdom, always with a thirst for more; he should also be ready and even eager to impart his knowledge and discuss theories with others to either gain or provide enlightenment (from God) or both.

and yeah, that’s just what i thought i could do for a list this week. O.o

Will Always Be

He guides me on my way,
step by step, day by day.
my paths are lit by His ray,
but only because He loves me.

i read His word and can hear Him call.
but of course i never understand it all;
at times i’m even thrown against the walls,
but only because He loves me.

i’ve been blessed and given possessions
even in light of my transgressions;
my God accepts my confessions,
but only because He loves me.

my God can see ever clearly through me,
and never settles to leave me be;
He goes out of His way to help me see,
but only because He loves me.

just my God and i,
we’ll walk side by side.
i’ve nothing to lose, or hide,
but only because He loves me.

but even if the world hates me,
that will always be.

EDIT: by Me.
some Psalmage:

“But you, O Sovereign LORD,
deal with me for your name’s sake;
out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is wounded within me.”

- Psalm 109:21-22

info @ the P.Pole 09.20.05

okay, so i was one day late for the I@P but i had a valid reason. actually, 4 valid reasons: math, science, english, and french. school work is quite bogging but oh well. btw, click the title for “Stick It to Your Man” by the Roman Candles. oh yum… *rubs hands*

5 things i could waste use hours of time on:

• homework
• MSN, Google Talk, blogging, basically anything internet related
• reading
• coming up with my own little “interpretive dance” routines for my techno music
• browsing for legit music – my playlist is now up to 350+ legit tracks

oh man, it’s official, my french teacher is in love with me. she goes out of her way to make sure i know that my work was “magnifique! bravo – Larker – ! bon travail!” et cetera… O.o

How’s this for romantic?

dude. here i’ve got poetry, rhyming verses, mushy lyrics, AND it’s in french. i’m just missing a rose in my mouth and a guitar with which to serenade away. some day. i hope you like it for now.

pour vous:

Elle m’a blessé quand je l’ai vu;
Votre tristesse est ma douleur.
Je l’aurais pris sur moi-même si j’ai pu,
Encore s’il m’a laissé sans couleur.

Je vous ai dit que je vous attendrai.
Je vous ai dit ça, c’est le cri de mon âme.
Je demande seulement que vous me croyez.
Je vous rassure, « nous » sommes « pure laine ».

C’est une bénédiction de vous connaître.
Je ne vous taquine jamais quand je dis,
« Vous êtes vraiment ma raison d’être. »
Voyez : j’ai bondi de joie quand vous avez ri.

Je ne comprends pas votre souffrance.
Je serais menteur si j’ai dit ça.
Je serai encore là pour vous, pas par chance.
Je vous entendrai, parlez à moi.

cheer up, dear lady.

for you:

i don’t get what you’re going through.
i would be lying if i told you that i did.
but whatever it is, i’m here for you,
so call me if ever you want to lift the lid.

dear, please believe me when i say
that when it comes to your pain,
i would love to take it all away,
even if it leaves me dead and slain.

so why do you hide your face from me?
i mean you no harm, far from it.
i guess i just want to help you to see
that you and i are quite a nice fit.

it hurts me to see you in such pain,
even more so when i can’t help relieve.
i can’t protect you from all the rain
but i promise to wait; i’ll never leave.

so let the skies pour out their gloom.
we’ll walk through the puddles, the puddles of life.
after the storms, the flow’rs shall bloom.
remember, the blessings will come after the strife.

how ironic.

i don’t understand many things, like God and His ways. i do understand, however, that i won’t ever be able to understand Him, but that doesn’t mean i’ll stop seeking Him. no, not ever. on the contrary, everytime He hides some of Himself, it naturally piques my curiosity and i seek Him even more. still, one thing remains that confounds me: why me? i mean, why me, out of the multitudes? why did / does God choose me over the countless others? “Who Am I?” in earnest. i mean, i’ve definitely never done anything to deserve any love from anyone (especially not a righteous and perfect god) – in fact, i’ve done things that would do nothing but to test His love, to make it hard for God. there are people, none believers even, who are less sinful than i, and all i feel is a sense of inadequacy. i mean, God deserves better. i’m a failure.

how very true, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15). and how i loathe myself. i need not search far to find evil’s archetype, for it is from within myself, not without, that evil and sinful desires come. and sadly, more often than not the flesh’s weakness overpowers the strength of the spirit. but trudging on with nothing but God at my side is the only thing that i can do, keeping the ultimate goal in mind. always keeping that in mind. Art’s message today was quite moving / thought-provoking, as was sunday school. persistence is only sustainable if something – a reward worth striving for, hurting for, and suffering for – is expected at the end. amen. i’m hopeful.

i found it quite awkward , sitting just a brief moment ago in the board room; during the Hosanna core members’ meeting, they were discussing certain people who require “extra care”. i referred to them as “they” because i don’t exactly fit in with them (or maybe i was just out of it). i’m no leader, what’s God trying to pull? i can barely get my own life together can’t even get myself together, much less help others and care for others. i look around and my friends who i’ve grown up with are doing great; they’re mature, serving, leading, and growing up into perfect Christians. the first thought that runs through my mind is, “ZOMG, WTFISWRONGWITHME?!” and the second thought is, “Wow, what is wrong with me?!” and so on until i manage to push it out of my mind. they might deserve to be leaders, i don’t. i’m unworthy.

and so i sat in that meeting, people talking around me about how much we should be caring for the new ones, and whatnot. something just didn’t feel right, that i was sitting in a meeting with people discussing caring for others, i’m not sure what it was. maybe it’s because i know myself that i’m too wrapped up in the folds of my own life to care about the lives, pains, and struggles of others, aren’t i? how very pathetic i must be to others. i’m apathetic.

maybe all this stuff i’m saying is just my own subconscious cry for attention. not so subconscious now, i guess. once again, why would i deserve attention? what have i ever done to deserve, command, or attract care? nothing. zilch. yet God listens to prayers. friends listen to rants. true friends dress my wounds, and God heals them. how selfish of me to ever want anything more. i thank God for being my god, for choosing me to be His child, for overlooking my transgressions, and for loving me, bar none. i also thank Him for my friends that are always there for me, that don’t always tell me what i’d like to hear, but rather, what i need to hear; “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.” (Proverbs 5:3-4). for friends who are honest and caring, i am truly glad. i’m blessed.

if we know God, then we must know His instruction, but how can we possibly hope to know His will if we do not listen to Him when He calls? simple: we can’t. that’s why my Bible now goes with me everywhere. i don’t even know how i got by all those years when i neglected my God. and that’s what it is: negligence. i didn’t believe that it would really make a difference in my life, spending time with God. but it does, take my word on it. and the way i see it now, how can we call ourselves Christians and possibly hope to go out and do His will when we don’t even allow Him to do His will in us, when we don’t even “have the time” to read His word.
someone asked me the other day – jokingly – when i corrected the teacher’s error relating to Biblical matters, “What, do you study your Bible in your free time or something?!”
i replied, “No. I don’t read my Bible in my spare time.”
“What?! I thought you were a Christian though!”
“I am, that’s why I try to make time.”

here’s my point: read your Bible, or die. simple as that. damn North America. i mean seriously, damn us and our “culture”, our “everything is disposable” attitude, our laid-back, time wasting lifestyles. i get pissed when i think of how many people out there who don’t even know the name of Jesus and how we here in the global north own several editions and versions of the Holy Bible but don’t read it. in light of that, i promised to read my Bible, to wake up early to do nothing other than to spend those precious moments in the morning with my God, praying, reading, and listening. i might not have as much sleep as before but who needs sleep when you’ve got God to refresh, renew, and replenish? once again, God will give us what we need, what’s best for us, and maybe what our hearts desire (depending on His approval) if we’d only fear, love, and thus, listen to Him.

don’t break it.

i want to know the place, where you come from.
i’d like to see your face, when i wake up.
i offer me, just for yourself,
wrapped up for you, and no one else.
and no one else, could be appreciative,
be as appreciative, of your charm.

when you walk,
you take your time, take the tiniest steps.
when i’m at your side,
if you feel you’re left behind, i’ll slow down to your pace.

and we’ll be like a tree, and we’ll grow on.
and if the world should end, with fire and bombs…
i’d like to be there, holding hands.
with you i’ll view, the end of the lands.
and no on else, could steal a piece like you,
could steal a piece that big, of my heart.

when you walk,
you take your time, take the tiniest steps.
when i’m at your side,
if you feel you’re left behind, i’ll slow down to your pace.

i want to be with you, and we will be together.
i want to be with you, and we will live forever.

- Gob, 144

good old Gob. y’know, i got this CD (The World According to Gob) awhile ago (as in years ago) from Herman as a birthday gift and it’s still in circulation among my other, relatively recent, purchases. Gob is great. All the time. All the time. Gob is great. just kidding. but God sure is great, all the time…

EDIT: everyone, go to PureVolume, NOW and grab some of “The Juliana Theory”. do it.

Trouble In Paradise

so i’ve been busy – i had volleyball try-outs/pseudo-practices since last thursday for the school volleyball team and it turns out i don’t suck as much as 12 of the other 24 guys that tried out. freakin’ awesome. i remember wanting to be on the team, but not wanting to look forward to making it. i didn’t want to be disappointed/shamed. but in reality i did want to make it. more than i let on at first.
well anyway, i just remember days of suck, and how i used to depend on God to deliver when the suck really hit the fan. then i read my name on the list of people who made the team and i thought/believed that my life was on finally taking a turn towards becoming one of those oh so deceptive “lives” that i see other people toting around. funny how selfish we humans are, running to God when we “need” Him and abandoning Him (even if it was just for a second) when we “don’t”. thing is, we always need Him, ’cause once we think we’ve got it down, he will bring us down. and He’ll let him. it was humbling indeed. strugglefications. how remedial my struggles must seem to God…
“if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. if you still don’t succeed, do what you should’ve done at the start and hand your controller over to God and watch Him pwn.”
- me, can’t you tell?!
and another…
“fell in love with the game, but i forgot Your name. go ahead, please fight me. ’cause i’m not scared. though You stayed the same, i forgot from where i came.”
- Blindside, Fell In Love With The Game