info @ the P.Pole 06.11.07

I’ve finally gotten around to listening to some tracks by The Academy Is… after hearing lots of good things from everyone in the punk-scene. To be honest, they sound a bit like a more melancholy Fall Out Boy but I’m not complaining.

Don’t be so scared, we will not lead you on like you’ve been doing for weeks.
So you’re selfish, and I’m sorry.
When I’m gone you’ll be going nowhere fast.

Would you believe me if I said I didn’t need you?
‘Cause I wouldn’t believe you if you said the same to me.
And near death, last breath, and barely hanging on.
Would you believe me if I said I didn’t need you?

Don’t be so scared to take a second for reflection,
To take a leave of absence, see what you’re made of.
So I’m selfish, and you’re sorry.
When I’m gone you’ll be going nowhere fast.
So who’s selfish, and who’s sorry?

Someone, somewhere said some things that may have sparked some sympathy,
But don’t believe. Don’t believe a word you’ve heard about me.

Don’t be so scared. It’s harder for me.

Would you believe me if I said I didn’t need you?
‘Cause I wouldn’t believe you, wouldn’t believe you now.
- The Academy Is… – Skeptics And True Believers

There’s almost nothing worse than group partners who refuse to do their parts. The only thing I can think of is group members who refuse to do their parts and refuse to pay me back for material costs. I’m not gonna name any names but you people owe me money and time.

Emo Lvl. 3/4 – Tomb Crisis

Gaming trivia, nevermind that. It’s a good title for this post though. Tombs are generally reserved for the dead – that is the rule, but there are exceptions (the case of Jesus should immediately jump to mind). Crises are mostly uncomfortable situations that denote a certain sense of urgency.
A lot’s been going through my mind lately, and I’m finding myself lacking. Lacking in motivation, lacking in emotion, lacking in wisdom, lacking in enthusiasm, lacking in purpose, and ultimately lacking in faith. I can’t say it’s not my fault, because it is. But only partially, I think.
A constant, satanic knocking on my mind’s door has worn me down. The words of the book of Isaiah are pleading my case.

You were wearied by all your ways…

Sadly enough, my life at this point seems to only reflect the first half of the verse, and not so much the second, which is:

…but you would not say, “It is hopeless.” You found renewal of your strength, and so you did not faint.
- Isaiah 57:10

It’s not so much as me not needing a “renewal of strength”. I do, because I’m only human. It’s more like I don’t want one. I don’t, because I’m human. In this world, there’s a certain stench in the air. It’s a smell approximating a delicate mix between the aroma of a fresh and flavourful festoon of flowers and that of festering, feculent flesh.
Something about mortality just doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve always been one to find flaws and pick at them. If you know me, I’m usually pretty honest about what I hate about you. I usually don’t mention what I like, but if there’s something about you that I just can’t stand, you’ll know. Now I’m getting a taste of my own medicine.
I hate myself but manage to love myself just the same. Within an interview on Bright Eyes’ album, Fevers and Mirrors, Conor Oberst – frontman and lead vocalist of the band – has some very remarkable things to say.

[transcript of interview, C - Conor, R - radio host]
R: Well, we are glad you made it! Now, your new album, Fevers and Mirrors… Tell us a little about the title. I know there’s a good deal of repeated imagery in the lyrics: fevers, mirrors, scales, clocks…. Could you discuss some of this?
C: Sure. Let’s see, the fever is.. what -!
R: First – first let me say that, this is a brilliant record, man. We’re all really into it here at the station. We get lots of calls. It’s really good stuff.
C: Thanks… Thanks a lot.
R: So talk about some of the symbolisms.
C: The fever?
R: Sure.
C: Well, the fever is basically whatever ails you, or presses you…. It could be anything; in my case it’s my neurosis, my…
[pause]
C: …depression. But I don’t want it to be limited to that. It’s certainly different for different people. So, whatever keeps you up at night.
R: I see.
[pause]
C: And the – and the mirror’s like, as you might have guessed, self-examination, or reflection, or whatever form…. This could be vanity, or self-loathing. I – I know I’m – I’m guilty of both…
R: That’s interesting… How about the scale?
C: The scale is essentially our attempt to solve our problems quantitatively, through logic or rationalization. In my opinion it’s often fruitless, but…
[pause]
C: …always…
[pause]
C: …not – not always…
[pause]
C: And the clocks and calenders it’s uh – it’s just… time… our little measurements. It’s like… it’s always chasing after us.
R: It is. It is.

What’s my fever? Pride? Anger? Hatred? Impatience? Selfishness? Self-pity? Passive aggression? Agressive passion? Somnolence? Banality? Apathy? I’m sure there’s got to be something (if not everything in there and more) that’s applicable. If anything, it’s likely to be a mix of revelation and deviation.
Perhaps I’m losing my faith. Maybe not in God, but in His creation. You know, in this and that. In him and her. In you and me. I’m sure at least one person knows what I mean. It’s definitely one thing to know somethings (and believe me, I do know some things) and something completely removed from that to live and experience it. I’m sure you’ll understand that it is one thing for someone to tell you that he or she loves you and something entirely different to be married to that very same person for, say, fifty years. Talk is cheap I guess (I’m one to talk).
I find an awkward paradox working itself out in my day-to-day life. On one hand, I think I would need fellowship and interaction with others. On the other hand, I’ve found myself seeking more and more solitude. On the first hand I’ve got the natural human need to belong somewhere, yet I find the more I learn and think about it all, the clearer these two facts become.

1. This imperfect world is filled with imperfect people (the club of which I should promptly and would gladly head up).
2. I don’t really need or want to be around anyway.

I’ve always wondered about death. Not so much as to what would follow for the deceased as much as to what would follow for those left in the mortal world. In the end, I guess that the way the death is dealt with by the living really depends on the dead. What and who he was will determine whether he is mourn-worthy or not. Ever think about who you’d… invite to your funeral?
Speaking about death, that reminds me of tombs, and thus my title. If you’ll be as uncharacteristically kind to click there, you’ll find a nice surprise in store. I’ve uploaded Pilate’s “Barely Listening” from Sell Control for Life’s Speed. Beautiful album, really.

[direct transcript from album booklet]
lying awake on this phone call. she’s dreaming of better days. flowers lie on the counter. reminds her of better days. she sends a prayer up to Jesus and asks Him for His strength. the night will go on bleeding. was it [really] faith that paid the rent? i know you’re barely listening. standing here in the doorway with a candle and a gun. light tears through open windows, for now the day has won. i know you’re barely listening. like a child on her way here, will you smile and run the other way? faith won’t find you a reason. it just smiles and runs the other way. i know you’re barely listening. you can’t shape love with a hammer. you can’t shape life with a will. what horror lies in knowing there’s no fate that chaos can’t kill.
- Pilate, Barely Listening

This album has a few songs that talk about faith, such as “A Kind of Hope” and the above, “Barely Listening”. Todd Clark knows how to write for emo children, as both Pilate albums have been heavily emo. The first (Caught By The Window, 2003) was girl-brand emo (which I did find much use for back then). This one, I believe, is a different kind of emo. I’m not too sure what brand, but it’s a good one. Likely to be a mix of faithless-emo and lovelorn-emo. I also have use for this emo, I think.
Speaking of not being sure, I’m not too sure as to what sparked such thinking. It probably isn’t of much importance anyway. I’m never really decided on anything anymore, as an old and very dear friend pointed out the other day. I must give her credit for being such a joy to talk with. Very well placed words. And it’s true, I really don’t know what I want, and it’s not surprising. I don’t know a lot of things, like what I’m trying to get at or what I’m trying to get across. So now, for lack of determined destination or predetermined purpose at hand, I’ll ramble on about some things that have been running through my life and mind lately.
I find it ironic that Paul would say that life is death and death in Christ is to live, given the way we Christians “live”. We live as if we’re dead, even though we’ve claimed to have died with Christ already. What is it really, to live and love in Christ? Is it that feeling of guilt I get when I know deep down that I really don’t care about so-and-so’s life story? Is it that tingling sensation that gnaws away at the pit of my stomach when I realize I’ve taken up another nail and rammed it deep into Christ’s heart? Is it that unmistakable feeling of irony when one that you love adds insult to your injury? Is it to realize that I’m a sinner (and the worst of them at that) and then stand at a loss for what to do next? Is it to look up and see the sun through the top of this hell-hole and then continue digging? Certainly not.
To live and love in Christ is what, to “seek Him”? Better yet, it’s to “tell Him to show His face”. What pride! What arrogance! To think that we could comprehend such immeasurable beauty! It’s laughable, that we Christians would coin such ridiculous phrases to describe such laughable notions. Who is God, that you may look upon Him? This world has surely fallen, and far. He may be our Father in Heaven, but never forget that He is the almighty God of the universe and beyond. We are but specks of dust. Just single grains of sand on an infinite beach. God doesn’t need you or I. God needs no one, yet loves every one. How can we possibly dare to have fellowship with such a Being, then?!

God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.
- 2 Corinthians 5:21

So basically, we humans are off the hook. Of course, at such a great cost that it would be silly of me to try and come up with an analogy for it. Abraham loved his one and only begotten son. How much more would an infinite God love His only begotten Son. God spared Abraham his son’s death, but did not spare His own Son. That’s love for you.
Apart from wondering what others think of myself (something I don’t do too often, but I’m sure everyone does it from time to time), I wonder what God Almighty thinks about me. It’s looking bleak at the moment. It’s one thing to have an accident and a resulting foul-up. It’s another to be an accident and live as a foul-up. Really, it all fits quite well within a different context.
This one thing about me I’ve been wrestling with for the longest time, and I think a winner is finally shaping up, but it’s not me. It’s not like it’s something I can just openly talk about, as I’m sure it would make others quite uncomfortable and permanently taint what some others have been trying to build all these years. I can predict what kind of “advice” or “comforting words” I’d get in return anyway, so there really is no point. From that one assumption, though, I can draw reasonable explanations for nearly all things in and of my life. All but one, which is the question of “How can God love me if I am what I am?” Naturally, you can deal with this quite easily if you just admit that He doesn’t. But then again, Christ did come, die, and rise to be my Savior, so He obviously does.
So why, then? Is it something I did? Is it something I earned? Was it something I said? Was it something I thought? Dreamed up? Actually, I’m quite sure there’s no reason. There is absolutely no conceivable reason to love. Love needs no reason, I believe. Just as God is independant of all else, love is equally independant of rationality. Thank God for that.
What’s next on my list? Oh yes, anger and even hatred. For awhile now, I’ve been nursing a healthy hate-child. She wails and screams, but deserves love all the same. It’s one thing to be angry with someone you hate. It’s another to be angry with someone you love, yet that’s exactly what I am right now. I don’t know what you would say such a thing, and at such a time. I’ll give you some slack since you really have no idea. All the same, it was an unnecessary comment and not only was it unhelpful, it was quite detrimental to my condition. Here’s a tip for all you aspiring-to-be-nice-people out there, sometimes STFU is a lot more Christ-like than useless comments.
It was quite a sad display, I must say. Who am I to talk though? Surely, I have no say in how others act. Just take a look at my own behaviour. I’m arrogant and snobbish, vain and critical, foolish and hypocritical. I know it. Don’t tell me. Dear God, please don’t tell me. Dear God, please don’t show me anymore. It’s not like I like being me. I really don’t.
Moving on though, I really don’t know what to make of my “faith” anymore. It’s not like I don’t know the facts. Hell, I know enough facts to write an essay without need for any outside sources or references. So how come I feel like this? How come I feel like it doesn’t really matter? A friend asked me the other day, “Do you ever stop and forget about all the facts, all the history, all the proofs, and just stop and wonder whether something or someone is actually out there?” I said, “No, I don’t.” And why is that? It’s because I’ve got all these bloody facts in the way. Where’s the faith? Where’s the blind dependence? Where’s the trust?
It’s like knowing everything there is to know about a celebrity, and never having met them. Stalkers develop a certain mental fixation on their targets the more they learn about them, so much so that they start believing that they actually know the celebrity and that they have a genuine relationship with them. I’m wondering whether the same goes for me and Jesus. Do I know Jesus or do I just know about Jesus. There is a subtle difference in there that I’m sure you’d agree would mean a world of difference. Am I a Christ-Follower or a Christ follower? You’ll see that one can be identified as being connected to Christ, and the other as not.
I’m running out of steam. I’m also running out of things to say, so I’ll leave you with this question: How much of your God is you?

Emo Lvl. 3/5 – Decreasing For His Purpose

“He must increase, but I must decrease” John 3:30
Slightly bored and severely confused.
In the words of one Oswald Chambers,
“You may often have to watch Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it.”
I catch what people say and can only wish someone other than me could feel the irony in the air.
It’s so thick sometimes that it makes me want to say something about it.
Though, if I ever spoke honestly, I’m almost sure that would be the end of everything “nice”.
Of course, maybe that’s just the emo talking.
Transparent is harder to live than I would like.
Especially in a place like this.
With surroundings like these.
It’s alright (or not).
Either way, it doesn’t really matter.
Am I right?
Speaking of rights, I have none.
This I’ve been taught quite forcibly in the past 48 (or so) hours.
Who am I to claim anything, to want anything, to seek anything, to need anything.
Who am I to say anything, to teach anything, to think anything, to feel anything.
No one.
Just another stranger.
Of course, we could just blame it on the emo again, right?
Uh huh.
Sure thing.
It’s nothing.
Don’t worry about it.
I don’t even know what I want to get across anymore.
Goodnight.

Emo Lvl. 1/8 – info @ the P.Pole 11.05.05

today’s the fifth, though yesterday was the fifth. it felt a bit like what a fifth might feel like (though i’ve never had one before so i wouldn’t know for sure) yesterday (on the fourth), but today (the fifth) it feels like we’re back at the first. perhaps the sixth on the fourth will feel like the first fourth of the sixth of the second thousandth. who knows? we’ll just have to wait and/to see.

5 sets of lyrics that i must bold and strike from:

• Kill, break me down, bury me, bury me. I am finished with you. Look in my eyes, you’re killing me, killing me. All I wanted was You.
  - 30 Seconds to Mars, The Kill
• Please just don’t play with me, my paper heart will bleed. This wait for destiny won’t do. Be with me please I beseech you. Simple things, that make you run away. Catch you if I can.
  - All American Rejects, My Paper Heart
• Make your decision and don’t you dare think twice. Go with your instincts along with some bad advice. This didn’t turn out the way I thought it would at all. You blame me but some of this is still your fault.
  - Relient K, Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet (the damned hatchet, duh)
• The way that girl can break a heart, it’s like a work of art, and this is the worst part: she knows it.
  - Relient K, The One I’m Waiting For
• I cannot pretend that I felt any regret, ’cause each broken heart will eventually mend, as the blood runs red down the needle and thread. Someday you will be loved.
  - Death Cab For Cutie, Someday You Will Be Loved

EDIT: ng bei ah?! hah? chui ngor ah?! ^-^

Emo Lvl. 2/4 – Whoever said…

…”Relient K isn’t emo.” was horribly mistaken. Oh don’t worry, I’m not really feeling all that emo right now – at least not to me. Then again, the last time I judged myself (i.e. five seconds ago), I said that I didn’t feel excruciatingly lonely. That sets me at 0 for 2. I’m the biggest loser in the world, which explains why I’m always last place everywhere. I sure hope I’ve never made anyone feel the way I do now, though I already know I have.

Excuse me, but I’ve got a request.
Could you take the gag off of my mouth?
I admit, that I’m fairly impressed,
‘Cause you’re the best at blocking me out.

I believe, that we weren’t quite done.
I know it’s hard to hear me out again.
I realize, you’re not the only one,
Who’s terrified of life from end to end.

Hey hey, can you hear anything I say?
I’m feeling unwanted; that’s not what I wanted,
And attention to me is something you refuse to pay.
‘Cause I just can’t believe the way,
that this continues to go on.
I say, “I wish you didn’t always think I’m wrong.”

So tell me, tell me what will it take,
To get this through your head.
And tell me what will it take,
Until you see things through from end to end.

Excuse me, but isn’t this the way,
That things always turn into something good?
You’ve tried to, ignore the things I say,
But in the end you found you never could.

Hey hey, can you hear anything I say?
You search for the short-cut, you live life but for what?
I love you and hope you will find the truth some day.
‘Cause I just can’t believe the way,
That this continues to go on.
I say, “I wish you didn’t always think I’m wrong.”

So tell me, tell me what will it take,
To get this through your head.
And tell me what will it take,
Until you see things through from end to end.

So tell me, tell me what will it take,
To get this through your head.
And tell me what will it take,
To get you on my good side again.

And tell me what will it take,
To get this through your head.
And tell me what will it take,
To forget what you knew,
Just let him find you.

And then you’ll see things through,
From end to end.

- Relient K, From End to End

While I’m quoting Relient K, I might as well quote some other lines.

“Maybe it’s them, or maybe it’s me. Or maybe it’s Maybelline.”
(Maybe It’s Maybelline) – No one ever wins the Blame Game, so why do I want to play?

“You’re the only One that understands completely. You’re the only One who knows me yet still loves me completely.”
(I Am Understood?) – Agreed.

“And I won’t sit back, and take this anymore, ‘Cause I’m done with that. I’ve got one foot out the door, and to go back where I was would just be wrong. I’m pressing on.”
(Pressing On) – “Vent radioactive gas?” | “No.” | “Meltdown imminent.”.

“The way that girl can break a heart, it’s like a work of art … Live your life for those you love … And I’m still waiting for you to be the one I’m waiting for.”
(The One I’m Waiting For) – The acoustic version of this song really brings out the emo vibes that were always hiding in this song.

“And even though I’m angry I can still say I know my heart will break the day when you peel out and drive away. I can’t believe this happened.”
(Which to Bury; Us of the Hatchet) – This would be a shameful way to die. Hurting, but I’m scared to even think of the brand new world of pain death would bring.

“All because you’re giving me a breakdown. Stuck on the side of the road; emotional overload. He’ll seek and destroy everything that I enjoy but I won’t be the one he takes down. No, I won’t breakdown.“
(Breakdown)

“We see the problem and the risk, but nothing’s solved. We just say, ‘Tisk, tisk, tisk,’ and, ‘Shame, shame, shame.’”
(Down In Flames)

“It seems to get much colder when you cry on your own shoulder … I’m trapped and I am enclosed but I won’t complain … He tries to be a better someone that understands the difference and that he can’t show all the people all the things that really mean as much as he could feel … To be a better friend. To be a better son.”
(Jefferson, Aero Plane) – “It doesn’t count if it’s with yourself.”

“Should I start this song off with a question, or should I say what’s on my mind? (Add a cello here to add a sad impression). ‘Cause I’m not looking forward to leaving my friends all behind.”
(My Way Or The Highway…) – Don’t get me wrong, I know I should be thankful to God for giving friends – at all – but sometimes I just feel a bit too alienated from them to truly be a friend of theirs; more of an acquaintance by their actions.

“I was thinking (overthinking) about exactly how I’m not exactly Him. I’ll break my heart in two more times than you could ever do … On a one track mind, and You’re so out of touch ’cause I’m so far behind … ‘Cause after all of the sparks you’re still alone in the dark.“
(Overthinking) – Wow, talk about dead-on.

“Jesus, I pray: just know what I’m tryin’ to say. Jesus, I plead: please purify me, make my heart clean, drench me with Your mercy. Jesus, I pray: I love You, I need You. For the rest of my days I swear I will seek You. To the best of my ability I’m practicing humility, and I lay myself before (You), ’cause less is more.”
(Less Is More) – Humility is something I need. I’m sorry for all this. I really am, so I’ll try harder – the next time I’m smashed, kicked, and hurt by dear and scarce friends – to not complain about it, to shut the Hell up, and to turn the other cheek and take the beating like the sack of crap that I am.

Emo Lvl. 5/8 – Emo Music for Emo Hearts

The phone slips from a loose grip.
Words were missed then: some apology.
I didn’t want to tell You this.
“No, it’s just some guy she’s been hanging out with…
I don’t know, the past couple weeks I guess…”

Well, thank You and hang up the phone.
Let the funeral start,
Hear the casket close.
Let’s pin split-black ribbon to Your overcoat.
Well, laughter pours from under doors.
In this house, I don’t understand that sound no more.
It seems artificial, like a T.V. set.

Well, haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh.
This weight it must be satisfied.
You offer only one reply.
You know not what you do.
And you tear and tear your hair from roots
From that same head you have twice removed now.
A lock of hair you said would prove,
Our love would never die.
Well, “Ha ha ha.”

I remember everything:
The words we spoke on freezing South Street,
And all those mornings watching you get ready for school.
You combed your hair inside that mirror -
The one you painted blue and glued with jewelry tears.
Something about those bright colors,
Would always make you feel better.

But now we speak with ruined tongues,
And the words we say aren’t meant for anyone.
It’s just a mumbled sentence to a passing acquaintance,
But there was once You.

You said You hate my suffering.
And You understood.
And You’d take care of me.
You’d always be there.
Well where are You now?

Haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh.
The plans were never finalized,
But left to hang like yarn and twine,
Dangling before my eyes.
As you tear and tear your hair from roots,
From that same head you have twice removed now.
A lock of hair you said would prove,
Our love would never die.

And I sing and sing of awful things.
The pleasure that my sadness brings,
As my fingers press onto the strings,
In yet another clumsy chord.

Haligh, haligh, an awful lie!
This weight would now be satisfied.
I’m gonna give You only one reply:
I know not who I am.

But I talk in the mirror,
To the stranger that appears.
Our conversations are circles.
Always one sided.
Nothing is clear.

Except we keep coming back,
To this meaning that I lack.
He says the choices were given.
Now You must live them,
Or just not live.
But do You want that?

- Bright Eyes, Haligh, Haligh, a Lie, Haligh

Emo Levels

As the P.Pole tends to fluctuate quite sporadically in terms of emotional intensity, I’ve decided to employ an Emo Level rating / warning for the more… extreme posts. I’ve taken this precaution as I kinda figured my posts can be quite… abrasive and abusive sometimes.

Range (Lvl. x100%) >> Definition; example.

0% – 25% >> Mildly emotionally unstable; ex: “I had a bad day, and am needing to rant.”
26% – 50% >> Moderately emotionally unstable; ex: “I had a horrible day, am needing to rant badly, and my friend(s) bad-mouthed me behind my back.”
51% – 75% >> Highly emotionally unstable; ex: “I had a bad week, am needing to rant, my friend(s) stabbed me in the back; thus, I am now severely depressed.”
76% – 100% >> Extremely emotionally unstable; ex: (we’ll just have to wait and see for this one)

Capice?

entranced…

“thank you God.” was my first thought. from the very moment she walked in, i knew that i’d want to know her better. with a dancer’s elegance and calculated movements she flounced by, her thigh just barely grazing my elbow, causing the hairs on the nape of my neck to stand on end. as i ventured a glimpse, i witnessed beauty and features rivaling those of a goddess, a face chiseled from the purest, most awe-inspiring of diamonds. her eyes were so deep and vast that i thought i had drifted off into the outermost limits of space, doomed to drift forever in the endless nebulas that are her eyes…

“oh wow, how big and pretty your eyes are!”

“the better to hypnotize you with.”

“my, how graceful your movements are!”

“the better to charm you with.”

“mm… how luscious the fragrance of your hair is!”

“the better to intoxicate you with.”

“my God, how dazzling your smile is!”

“the better to blind you with…”

and so the conversation in my mind continued until my thoughts were wholly consumed by her image. being the partial introvert that i am, i decided to sit quietly as she worked her voodoo and enjoy the moment.

as time went by, i reluctantly fell into the “friend” category, a denomination i had vowed to outgrow. the more i learned about her, the more i wanted to learn. conversations with her became like a drug to me, always craving more. and soon i realized, i have fallen into this woman’s enticing snare.

what is this feeling i hold in my chest?! could it be… yes, it is! but alas, i mustn’t let the beast control its master. i must regain consciousness. i must hide this monster and shackle it to my heart to hang there as a burdening weight much like an anchor, lest he break free and cause havoc and destruction on such a fragile liaison…

the perfect mix of grace and beauty; of brains and brawn; of mind and body… when she skips my heart follows suit, when she laughs i hear angels’ song. how can i endure not confessing my secret attachment to her?! must i always resort to indirect, double entendres to voice my thoughts to her? oh why have the heavens cursed me so? to be able to love in secret but not in the open… i must declare, this is punishment unfit for a condemned murderer yet i am the one who must carry out this life sentence. must i bring with me this affliction wherever my feet fall? where is the justice in this pale world of ours?

oh if only you knew.

the girl i love got long black wavy hair.

(click to see a larger view)

i’m breaking my back just to know your name, but i know this feeling that i have inside of me: my belly’s burning and it’s turning, don’t you see? you’re an extraordinary girl but i lack the courage in my mind. you make me feel so alive that i think, “heads or tails?” fairy tales in my mind… when i sleep, i dream and it gets me by.

i thought i ran into you down on the street the other day but then it turned out to only be a dream. It’s like a bittersweet migrane in my head; take away this sensation inside. i can’t take this feeling anymore: this sensation is overwhelming.

she’s so confident that she’s what everybody wants, but nobody wants her to know that. seventeen tries and i’ve had it with this game. just give me what i want and no one gets hurt. no more standing around, i’ve said it, “get off your ass and we’ll go get it, you’ll see. take a chance on me.”

my hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption. my heart’s yours to fill or burst, to break or bury…

hands down, this is the best day i can remember. i thought about you in my bed last night: might as well have jammed the forceps in my eyes and kept them open through the night. in my dreams i have cried at your feet. tell me, was it wasted? we’re too deep now to ever swim against the current, so let’s drift away…

look into my eyes, see my heart that’s raced from self control… i don’t know why it’s hard now… don’t tell me that i won’t feel a thing… i guess this is what it’s like when worlds collide.

i see what you’re doing to me. why did you have to look the other way? i walked with you, talked with you, i still can’t help but thinking… all the things that i’ve regretted, all the places i was headed with you… i know that you don’t care but i want you to know: i’ll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair… it could’ve been you so easily…

i remember when it was breaking my heart, even though then i was falling apart. and your drugs are bleeding, so sweet yet fleeting but my memories are sinking…

i remember the face but i can’t recall the name, and now i wonder how whatsername has been… i’ll never turn back time if my memories serve me right. if i could find a souvenir, just to prove the world was here, here it is: a broken heart. i think of you and let it go…

credits: dashboard confessionals, gob, goldfinger, greenday, led zeppelin, pilate, powerman 5000, relient k, the killers, thousand foot krutch, u2, yellowcard, and any artist/band i might’ve missed.